I Cook All the Vegetables

WIKILEEKS:  An international online self-described not-for-profit organization that publishes submissions of private, secret, and classified leek recipes from anonymous housewives, Martha Stewart Wannabes, and twenty-something-year-olds-who-think-people-read-their-blog.

VEGETABLE: Leek

DISH: Roasted Leeks

WHAT YOU NEED:

• Leeks
• Vinegar (your choice what type, I used black raspberry vinegar)
• Olive Oil
• Salt
• Pepper
• Mustard (optional)

WHAT TO DO:

• Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
• First you need to do a preliminary wash of the leeks, which is actually more difficult than it sounds because leeks are dirty, dirty vegetables.
• Cut off the leaves and the stems leaving only a leek-rod in your knife’s wake
• Wash the leeks again as you might find some dirt that was hiding underneath the leaves
• Boil the leeks for a few minutes to soften them up.
• Cut the leeks into long sections. You’ll want to do two or three sections per leek depending on their size.
• Place the leeks onto a baking pan
• In a separate bowl mix together the vinegar, mustard, pepper, and olive oil
• Pour the vinaigrette mixture on top of the leeks, making sure it gets between the leek cracks.
• Put the pan into the oven and cook for about 30 minutes (the longer you boil them the less they’ll need to be in the oven)
• Fin

People are always so negative about immigrants. They’re like, “Them Mexicans is bringin drugs to this here country!” or “That Arab is branging Sharia law to the goddamn land of the free!” Well, I think those people are focusing on the wrong things. Sure, drugs and Sharia Law are awesome, but what about tacos and grape leaves? That’s why immigrants are the best.

*Speaking of Arabs, the man in the photo is my boyfriend who would like to be referred to as “Chef Waseem.” Misspellings such as “Chief Waseem” will be acceptable as well.

VEGETABLE: Grape Leaves

DISH: Stuffed Grape Leaves

WHAT YOU NEED:

• Grape Leaves (can come in a jar or laying flat from a market)
• Rice
• Salt
• Pepper
• Olive Oil

WHAT TO DO:

• First take the grape leaves out of the jar
• Unfold them and wash them as best as you can to get the preservative brine off of them.
• In a bowl, mix white rice, a little bit of olive oil, salt, and pepper (make sure it’s not too oily)
• Take the leaves (BE VERY CAREFUL NOT TO RIP THEM) apart and lay one flat out on a plate (our a counter top) in front of you. Lay the leaf so that the top point is farthest away from you.
• Place a SMALL row of rice mixture in the middle of the leaf, just above the break at the bottom. Be careful not to put too much in—remember that RICE EXPANDS and your leaves will POP if there is too much.
• Fold in the sides, then fold the bottom up, and then tightly roll the leaves to the top. The leaves should stick to themselves.
• Roll up all the leaves in the same fashion (note that some will inevitably be left unusable)
• Cut up some tomato slices and place them at the bottom of a pot (this will keep the leaves from sticking to the bottom when they are cooking)
• Lay the rolled up leaves close together in the pot (on top of the tomato slices)
• If you want, you can squeeze lemons into the pot for taste
• Boil water in a kettle
• Pour the boiled water into the pot over the leaves till it covers all of them (note that you might need to put something on top, like a plate, to keep the rolls from floating
• Cook for about 45 minutes on low
• Fin

Sometimes you’re like, “I just want to munch on some SHIT!” You don’t want to take time to cook something green and healthy for you! You just want to grab those pork rinds, say goodbye to the souls of any lingering Porky Pigs and plow through some fat while watching Toddlers and Tiaras. Well, this probably won’t satisfy THAT PARTICULAR urge, but if you like vegetable chips, THESE ARE DELICIOUS!

VEGETABLE: Spinach

DISH: Za’atar spinach chips

WHAT YOU NEED: 

• 1 Bag of spinach
• Za’atar (spice)
• Olive oil

WHAT TO DO:

• Preheat the oven to 250 degrees
• Dump the spinach into a large bowl
• Pour A VERY SMALL AMOUNT of olive oil on the spinach. Enough to get some on all the chips, but not so much that they are soaking and drowning in sorrow (Vegetables CAN drown in sorrow, just so ya know)
• Coat the spinach with za’atar spice (or whatever spice you want to use), but make sure again not drown them.
• Spread out the spinach on a flat tray/baking pan. It’s best if they are not overlapping each other too much.
• Place the chips in the oven for at least 30 minutes. Then check on them periodically to see if they are roasted and chip-y and take them out when they appear to be DELICIOUS.
• Fin

BALLER LEFTOVERS!

Took the excess rice from the cabbage rolls, and the bottom of the butternut squash I made my soup out of and BAM dinner. 

Who knew being A GOOD WOMAN was so easy? Or does being easy make you a good woman? Word order can be difficult.

Shit. There are a LOT of vegetables...

Please see this former blogpost for full cooking instructions.

In this version I mixed in the vegetable stock, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt, but substituted goat cheese for the heavy whipping cream. This is a more savory version of the previous soup I made.

It’s nom-nom-nom-able.

I really enjoy eating food three hours after I get hungry.

Stuffed cabbage leaves were, are, and will always be delicious. However, this took me (and my boyfriend) literally two and a half hours to make. That’s like 2.5 episodes of Jersey Shore (it’s an anthropological experience) . Or 5 episodes of Saved by the Bell reruns (Zack Morris…be still my heart). Or the time it takes to get a Dell representative to agree to fix your work computer using a warranty that was clearly paid for by your company and is still valid, despite what that representative said for 2.5 hours (F U DELL). Or the amount of time I spend on Facebook every day trying to find people to unfriend (because WHY do I have so many “friends” I don’t know? WHO ARE YOU JAMES RICHARDS OF SOUTH TEXAS METHODIST UNIVERSITY!??) 

Moral: Time is a resource. Use it wisely.

VEGETABLE: Cabbage

DISH: Vegetarian Stuffed Cabbage Leaves

WHAT YOU NEED:

• Two heads of cabbage
• Rice (we used brown basmati)
• Salt
• Pepper
• Onion
• Olive oil
• Lemons
• Tomatoes
• Parmesan cheese

WHAT TO DO:

• Cut the bottoms off the cabbages and peel off one outer layer of leaves
• Bring a large pot of water to boil on the stove. Place the cabbages in the water for a few minutes to loosen up the leaves. We had to use a knife to keep the cabbage from floating up too much
• After boiling the cabbage for a few minutes, carefully peel off the cabbage leaves, trying not to rip them
• Separately, bring vegetable stock to a boil and cook the rice in the vegetable broth (this makes it SUPER FRICKIN TASTY)
• Cut up the onions and tomatoes and add them to the cooked rice to make the inside mixture. We made one mixture of rice, onions, pepper, and salt and another mixture of tomatoes, onions, rice, and parmesan cheese. You can put a whole variety of things inside your cabbage. THE SKY IS THE LIMIT, BITCHES!
• Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
• Take the cabbage leaves and lay them flat on a counter top or a cutting board.
• Cut out the hard white part (stalk) in the middle of the leave (still making sure to keep the leaf in one piece). You need to cut this part out to be able to roll them. (You should keep these if you are planning on boiling your rolls, I’ll explain how to use them below).
• Place a line of your mixture on the leave, fold the sides in and then roll up the leaf, attempting to keep it tight. Place rolled leaves on a plate in a way that keeps it rolled up.
• Here is where you get a choice, we BAKED and BOILED the leaves. 
• BAKED: We put a  few on a baking tray (covered in olive oil) and they came out more like dumplings (they had a dry outer shell and kept together well enough to eat them with your hands). Bake for about 30-40 minutes.
• BOILING: Take those white parts you cut off the leaves and place them at the bottom of an empty pot. This will keep the rolls from sticking to the bottom of the pot. Place the rolls neatly on top of one another on top of the white cabbage stalks. Once they are all in, pour in water. Bring the pot to a boil and then put the setting on low and boil for about 40 minutes.
• Fin

I’ll have beets with a side of fear.

If there is anything that will make you absolutely fear for your life and health, it is looking into the toilet after eating way too many beets. I’ve weighed the options of deliciousness vs. incapacitating fear and I’ll be damned if I’ll let fear get in the way of me devouring a sweet red vegetable that inevitably stains whatever I am wearing and causes me to Web MD myself to cancer.

Moral: Wear a black shirt and don’t. look. in. the. toilet.

VEGETABLE: Beet

DISH: Roasted beets

WHAT YOU NEED:

• Beets (with greens still attached)
• Olive Oil
• Salt
• Pepper
• Red wine vinegar
• Goat cheese

WHAT TO DO:

• Preheat the oven to 375 degrees
• Cut the beets off of the stem
• Coat the beets in olive oil
• Place the beets on a baking tray and place them in the oven. They take about 40 minutes to cook all the way through, depending on the size. Check on them with a knife to see if they are soft.
• 20 minutes after placing the beets in the oven, wash the greens, cut off the excess red stems, and place the greens in a pan on the stove.
• Cook the green in olive oil with pepper and salt.
• When the beets are fully roasted, take them out of the oven, cut them into smaller pieces and add them to the roasting pan on the stove
• Add small amounts of red wine vinegar to the mix
• Cook for a few more minutes
• Place in a bowl or plate and add goat cheese (sprinkled goat cheese works best)
• Fin

In these strained economic times, we cannot discount the potato—vegetable of the poor. The potato feeds young adults who think they need to change the world and as a result work for a nonprofit with high goals but not a lot of money and receive a paycheck that barely covers the rent which you have to pay to live in the city your nonprofit is most effective in and seriously why can’t I just get like a fricken thousand more a year so I can buy something more than the Two (I’m sorry THREE in DC) Buck Chuck at the Trader Joe’s for my daily dose of wine (it’s not alcoholism if you’re still 23) and stop watching the drain-on-my-life that is Extreme Couponing, which I watch out of mere jealousy and is somehow playing on TLC from 5PM-10PM everyday (my GOD how many episodes are there?) creating a massive sinkhole of my evenings.

What were we talking about?

VEGETABLE: Potato

DISH: Roasted sliced potatoes

WHAT YOU NEED:

• Potatoes
• Onions
• Jalapeños
• Olive oil
• Salt
• Pepper
• Paprika
• Parsley leaves

WHAT TO DO:

• Preheat oven to 375 degrees
• Slice the potatoes into thin circular slices
• Chop the jalapeños and the onion into small pieces
• Put the potatoes, jalapeños, and onions into a bowl
• Pour olive oil, salt, pepper, paprika, parsley leaves, garlic, oregano, thyme basil (at least some of these will do) and mix till the potatoes etc are fully coated
• Pour the potatoes etc into a pan
• Put the pan in the oven
• Give it about 45 minutes to cook
• Fin